Getting Smarter Every Day

I realized today that I no longer pronounce "ridiculous" properly. No, no. After listening to My Beautiful Dark Fantasy a few too many times, I now pronounce it how Kanye says it....rid-ick-a-lus.

Thanks for enriching my life, Mr. West. Always a pleasure.

Sleeping-Not-So-Pretty

If you know me at all then you know that I am not a morning person. I just don't like them. Who made up the saying "The early bird gets the worm"? Because in my opinion the saying should go, "The early bird is a lame ass. The bird who gets up a little later probably has a life and is likely a much chirpier bird".

But seriously. I hate to admit it but if I'm not woken up in a very calm and quiet manner then my day is shot. At least for a few hours.

A few other random facts about my sleeping pattern:

• I can't sleep if my feet are hot
• I really can't sleep if my whole body is hot
• I used to have to sleep with a fan on...white noise is good, mmm kay?
• I can't go to sleep before 12am. Even if I have to be up at 6am everyday. Say it with me,"night". "owl".
• I take nightmares personally. That's because my nightmares usually involve someone I know & love doing something shitty. Or someone I know & love getting hurt. When I wake up I'm typically super pissed off for no good reason. It usually takes me a few hours to pinpoint exactly why I'm angry before I remember the nightmare. Weirdo, I know.

So why am I going on and on about my sleep? Because there was construction going on at 6:45 outside my window. 6:45 is ungodly. It's in the Bible, look it up. Construction at 6:45 makes me want to stomp outside, take the jackhammer or whatever in the hell is making that god-awful noise out of the nice little workers hand and say, "NO!". And then stomp back into my house.

Seriously. Why??? I will destroy you!

Rich Girl

Maybe it's living in the marina here in San Francisco. Maybe it's having lived in Carmel. But can I just say...

Girls, especially girls who live in my neck of the woods, your life ain't that bad. Do boys go & break your heart? Yup. Are you twenty-something & still struggling to know what you want to do when you grow up? Frustrating, I know. Do you have a sensitive soul that feels things a little more intensely? That's difficult to handle sometimes, I know. Friends don't quite understand you, do they? Sometimes you don't understand you. What is the point of this little life anyway?

Stop right there, emo. Can we take a moment to take stock of what you do have? You're a beautiful girl who has had just about everything she could ever want handed to her. You live in one of the most affluent parts of the world. You've never had to worry about clean water or food to eat. War has never touched your life.You're educated. Your wardrobe consists of J. Crew & Coach. You're golden.

Don't know what set me off. Just saw one too many self-important girl who thought the world revolved around her & that it was surely about to crash down around her. This world would be much more bearable if people would just take a look outside of themselves.

I'm blessed to live where I have and where I do. I just pray that I'm never "that" girl.

Does It Stand For Gangsta?

I have a serious question...
Why do they call them "G" strings?

I've always wondered! They don't look like "G"'s. And people other than "G"'s wear them. Does "G" stand for something? Perhaps "Great"? Or "Garish"?

...and why is this going through my head right now? Maybe I'm missing my true life calling...

Daddy Said...

"Oh, you really really really made it hard on me
Oh you really really really let me make believe
Oh  you really really really were a mystery
Now I've solved it and I'm sad to say that I see..."
-Goodbye Kiss; Grace Potter & The Nocturnals

There are many moments in life that are full of relief. Moments like...

...finding a roadside gas station so you can finally relieve yourself after waiting fifty miles to go.
...drinking a large glass of water when you thought you really were going to die of thirst.
...getting out of that skin tight dress & heels and into your favorite pair of sweats and socks.

...finally truly and completely feeling closure.

Dad was right. Life moves on. And for that, I am so grateful.

Stick + Ball + Whacking = Good

I discovered something wonderful yesterday. It's called Broomball and it may very well lead to my paralysis but...I'm willing to overlook that little fact.

For those of you who don't know what Broomball is (similarly to how I didn't know what it was until yesterday) it's basically hockey minus the skates. You're on ice with tennis shoes (or any other shoes of your choice. However, I'd stay away from stilettos...little tip from the pros) and a stick in which you whack a grapefruit sized ball around.

Now, some of you who know me might say that this sounds like pure insanity on my part. Well, I would like to point out that I usually only fall down stairs and even then it includes heels & talking. My daddy said I can walk, talk and chew gum but he never said nothin' bout no stairs.

But back my original point...this game is awesome. Give me a stick and something to whack... I'm pretty happy. Give me a stick, something to whack and someone to beat...even happier.  I like winning, what can I say? Not winning in the Charlie Sheen sense, because let's be honest, that takes a special kind of person and I'm not quite sure I'm that special. No, winning in the simple I'm-a-girl-who-just-scored-on-your-pansy-ass-you-delicate-little-flower-boy way. Not that I did that but...I will. Tenacity, people. Tenacity.

And for your information, I only fell twice. And one of those times was because someone hit me. The other time...well, may or may not have been from me simply walking across the ice. But whatever. Judgers.

Where In The World...

Geez. Where have you been? Okay, okay...more like where have I been?? Sheesh, you must think I don't love you guys anymore! Well, let me play some catch up...

First on the list of crazy-life-changing-shite, I moved to San Francisco. Holy hell, that's still weird to type. Being here is bizarre for many reasons. One reason in particular is because a year ago I was firmly convinced that I was headed towards Southern California. That ship sailed, burned and sank. Clearly, I'm not one to sit back for too long so...here I am. My friend Gillian needed a roommate and...voila. Now, before ya'll ask if I completely lost my mind...SF is wonderful for many many reasons. I have amazing things ahead for my career here. I needed a push, some inspiration. I needed people in my age group, young professionals. Fresh ideas, challenges. I just needed change. Don't get me wrong, it's scary as hell. However, I've learned that nothing worth having is ever easy. Road less traveled and all that.

Bizarre part dos (and no that is not do's. It's "two" in Mexican, you uneducated bastards. Ahaha, I kid. I KID!)? When I graduated from high school (ten years ago, eeek!) we had senior predictions as to where we'd be in ten years. My prediction had said that I'd be living in San Francisco and working as an interior designer. Well, the interior designer part was wrong but the fact that I moved to the city almost ten years to the date that I graduated...weird. ness.

So...aside from picking up my life and shaking it up like a snow globe...I started dating someone. His presence in my life has confirmed how God or Fate or whatever you want to call it puts people in your life right when you need them. He's genuine, kind and just all around lovely to me. And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Anywho, I'm back (why to I feel like tagging on a "bitches!!!" to that statement?... I will resist) and will hopefully be a bit better about sharing my witticisms. I've still got 'em, I swear!

Bitches.

Just Call Us The Cleaver's

It's not really a holiday at the Ward's until someone is threatened with bodily harm. This is what I hear coming from the kitchen...

"I know what I forgot! A vegetable! Well, we're going to have to have canned- Jim! You know that drives me crazy! Pick a channel...or I'll shove that remote up your ass!"

Oh, mother. Thank you for making holidays memorable.

What's That Smell?

A little sage advice...

Generally, if a guy thinks he's "the shit" chances are... he's shit. Walk away.

Let's Play A Game

My friend Gillian & I decided to play a game the other day. The rules? You must say "fuck" as much as possible and at every opportunity. Throughout the entire day we used the f-bomb 121 times. Pretty proud, not gonna lie. And yes, we're totally adults. Totally.
Ah...love my friends.

Saucy Side

Last night one of my cousin's friends wanted to crash our little slumber party. He's a dude and I don't really relish men's company at the moment for various reasons.

So she answered him with, "Sarah's not really big on penises right now."
His answering question, "What about big penises?"

Ha. Ha. Ha. Clever, clever. Hey, buddy, for the record it seems that the only penises that I do know are big ones. As in, big dicks. As in, you're a dickhead.

In case y'all can't tell...I'm in no mood. I will chew just about any guy up and spit him out. Which actually might make it really funny to take me out into public right now. The non-nice side of me wants to come out and play. Run for the hills, douchees. I'm comin' for you.

Shut Up, Jimmy

I warned y'all. Emo-ness all over the place! I'm actually not feeling all that emo at the moment but this song has always struck a chord with me and it's especially poignant at the moment. So...

Jimmy Eat World...23

I'm still drivin' away
and I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live not stoppin'

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me only you

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hopin' for?
I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready
Holdin' on tight
Don't give away the end
One thing that stays mine

Life always works out the way it's supposed, I know that. I think that's why I'm not in the depths of depression right now.  I have faith in "what will be, will be". We make the best choices we can and things work out accordingly. But...sometimes I wonder.

Yuck. Someone shut my sappy face up.

Being The Baby Girl

...is awesome most of the time. Why, you ask? Well, let me list the reasons...

1. When I was growing up I could start a fight with my big brother and then blame the whole thing on him. My parents never suspected that I was anything but the victim. Muahaha.
2. "Daddy, I know this velvet coat is expensive but I really like it". Being a daddy's girl is an art form all in itself.
3. If anyone hurts me (sometimes even if they haven't hurt me and the family just doesn't like them) there's at least five people threatening bodily harm.
4. The Pedestal. Even when I feel like the whole world is against me, I'm still on the pedestal that is "baby girl".
5. The Umbrella. This one is a Catch-22. It means that there is always a  protective barrier, always someone watching out. Sometimes they are watching a little too closely or being a bit too overprotective but... it's nice to know that it's always there.

Lessons here? Don't start a fight with me, I will play dirty. Being a daddy's girl has given me the life skills to get just about anything I want. If you hurt me, your knees may end up broken. And finally, no matter what life sends my way, I'll be just fine.

Thankful for those that love me...you're all on pedestals of your own and I've got a mighty big umbrella that you're all under.

No Clever Title For This One...

2011, you're trying really hard to kill my ego. Stop it.

I've said it before and I'll probably say it till the day I die...being an adult sucks. It sucks because sometimes you have to walk away from someone you love because it's the smart thing to do. You have to walk away because they can't &/or won't give you the things you need. Have to walk away because you see every other aspect of life the same except for "make or break" things.

My favorite mister and I have decided that it's best if we don't continue to be in each other's lives. I want what he can't give and I was giving what he didn't necessarily want. And no, not "giving" as in wink-wink. Gutter minds, all of y'all!

I'm still not completely convinced that this is a smart move but...some things can't be unsaid and I have to hear those words and take them at face value. It's not about where I am, it's about where he is. Or rather, it is about where I am...and the fact that he isn't there. No controlling that. And one little thing about me... not having control to fix someone or something drives me insane. My dad calls it "The Ward Tenacity". I call it "Stupid Stubbornness" or sometimes just "Stupidity".

So, forgive the next few months if I'm a little more emo than normal. My head is giving my heart a big-time scolding and that tends to leave me a little like a girl who had her heart ripped out the day before Valentine's Day. Oh wait, that actually happened.

Excuse me while I go eat a box of bon-bons and cry while watching a Lifetime commercial.

We Should Fight

A little peek into my day-to-day text convos with a certain mister...

Mister: You suck.
Sarah: Pretty sure I don't.
M: I can't believe you wouldn't let me watch The Blind Side.
S: How did I not let you watch The Blind Side?
M: Twice.
S: I just said that it'd make me cry. I didn't say we couldn't watch it.
M: I want to get in a fight with you over a movie.
S: Oh, we will.
M: I think we need that.
S: Why do we need to fight?
M: Because I read something.
S: What did it say?
M: It said people who get along well are boring.
S: We fight. We just get straight to the point.
M: I'm going to have to be so mad at you. (Knocks over a lamp). Bitch!
S: And I'm going to have to make enchiladas because I know you hate them.
M: I can make better enchiladas than you. How does that demean you?
S: It would except that I know you can't.
M: Do you want to make it a bet?
S: Yes. I do. What are your stakes?
M: I'll sleep with you.
S: You sleep with me all the time.
M: I'll be genuinely interested in your tits.
S: So you've never been genuinely interested in them before?
M: No.
S: Ouch.
M: Well, I can't remember.
S: That's answer enough.
M: But I'm also kidding. I've been curious about one of them.
S: Mister. You shouldn't kid about girls tits.
M: I feel like I just stepped into a big pile of shit. I don't know what I'm doing in this conversation. I feel like I got into a club with a fake id and the cops are busting the party. I'm scared because I don't know if this will affect my college enrollment but maybe the police will just stop at making me appear for a judge.
S: That's exactly what it's like. When will you learn?
M: I really think we should talk about your tits in person. Because all of this was fake. I faked it.
S: No one has ever said any of that to me, ever.
M: I think we need to talk about this on the phone.

This is the point where we had a phone conversation about my rack and how deep he dug the hole with each new comment. He's so lucky I'm not a normal girl and am able to read "just-trying-to-be-funny".

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is one of the reasons why he's my favorite.

Will You Be My Douchebag?

I really want to hate Mr. Kanye West but I can't when he writes songs like this,

"Let's have a toast for the douchebags, let's have a toast for the assholes, let's have toast for the scumbags, every one of them that I know. Let's have a toast for the jerk offs, that'll never take work off. Baby, I got a plan, runaway as fast as you can."

Seriously though, this girl is about to get a complex. I'm an overanalyzing-what-did-I-do-wrong kind of a gal even when it's a situation where no one did anything wrong. And it's killin' me. It'd be so much easier if I could just call someone a douchebag. Any takers?

Resolution? I Got Your Resolution...

I'm not a big New Year's resolution girl. I figure that if there is anything that I should either start or stop doing then...well, I should just start or stop doing it. However, this year, I think I'm going to make a few lighthearted ones.

1. Wear more red lipstick. I'm saucy and I think red lipstick will help to optimize that.
2. Go to Vegas. Never been. I'm 27. Something is wrong with that picture.
3. Succeed at snowboarding. I may go bankrupt doing so but dammit, I'm gonna do it.

So that's that. Isn't that so much better than "quitting smoking"? Besides, I'd have to start smoking in order to have to stop and that just seems like a hassle. And New Year's resolutions are anything but a hassle.

...delirium has set in. Apologies.