Begging You For Mercy

You...you're the single most confusing person I have ever met. You keep coming and going out of my life and I can't see any pattern to it. You constantly make me laugh, you fix my sink in 2 minutes flat without me even asking (which is indescribably sexy for some reason) when for months I've been rigging it the best I could, you take me to dinner and lunch and the movies. You spend the night on my couch. You go to dinner with my dad and me and talk about dark matter and black holes. You tell me that you have no intention of putting time and emotion into this and yet you spend most of your time with me. You don't take advantage of me even though I'm sure you must know that I'm attracted to you. You aren't like every other man I've ever met.

I'm fairly sure that you're only a breeze in my life and I'm not even sure that I want more from you than that but still...still I don't want to not have you around. It's a horribly ambiguous situation and it's more than a little ironic that I'm even entertaining the idea of you considering that I'm the girl that was clamoring for "black & white" a mere 8 months ago from the rebound boy. Now I'm the girl enjoying the gray area...in a very masochistic kind of a way.

The messed up thing is that you probably don't even have any idea that you're doing this to me. You have no idea that I'm dying to know what it'd be like to kiss you, have no idea that I have a raging crush the likes of which I haven't experienced since high school. Have no idea that I am so not that girl who chases after a man who isn't interested. Have no idea that you are the most intriguing and enjoyable person I have met in a very long time.

So for now, for an indeterminable amount of time, I'm here. The girl with the unrequited crush. The girl feeling foolish, silly and vulnerable.

What to do...what to do.

What's Wrong With You, Willis?

Lately I've had quite a bit of time on my hands. Usually, that isn't so good because, well, I'm a thinker. I'm an over-analyzer. I take a simple "yes" or "no" and go "why?". Which it completely contradictory to my desire to have life as black and white as possible. Nevertheless, that is who I am and this is what I've been thinking lately...

I've become a little fascinated with this whole "being single" thing. Reason being is that I haven't been single from the age of 16 on. I went from one long-term relationship right into another. I am now 26 and am, for the first time, experiencing time alone. It's been almost a year of singleness and this is what I have observed in the world of dating:

It seems like the only men that I've encountered have either been complete neanderthals and cannot, for the life of them, carry on a decent conversation or (this one being the real kicker) are fairly decent people but have no desire whatsoever to date. They want to, for lack of a better term, fuck.

Let's dissect each of these specimens, shall we? The first, the neanderthal. He is a man with no real education, no ambition, with mommy and daddy's money who at first glance appears to be an alright guy. Not great, not boyfriend material but okay. Then, and brace yourself, he opens his mouth. All you get are one word answers to questions, his questions are shallow and more often than not, conversation killers. Now, that may seem as if he isn't really into you but, no. Everything you say he eats up, he looks interested, he looks at you expectantly as you finish your side of the conversation. Then there is the awkward silence when it's obvious that you've hit the bottom of his simple mind. Now you have to excuse yourself from him with as much grace as you possibly can muster and run to your nearest girlfriend to tell her just how socially inept he is. She will of course give you an apologetic look and say something like 'but he's so cute' and chances are that yes, he was so cute. Unfortunately, cute just doesn't cut it.

Now onto our next man. The anti-commitment guy, the guy who wants nothing more from you than a night (or how ever many nights he can get away with) of crazy-hot sex. Now, this is a two part one.

There is one guy who is the anti-gentleman, anti-decency guy. This is the guy who comes up to you, pushes as many limits as he can, makes as many dirty comments as possible just to see how far you are willing to go. Maybe he'll hide his douche bag tendencies for a bit but trust me, before the night is through he'll ask to come back to your place, try to touch you in an inappropriate way, try to kiss you and then, when you reject these come ons, he'll be gone before you can blink an eye.

Part two of the anti-commitment guy is not necessarily a bad guy. Chances are that he is actually educated, can entertain you, make you laugh and gets along with your crowd of friends. Here's the kick in the pants- he has absolutely no desire to be in a monogamous relationship. Oh, sure, he's fine if you just want to mess around a bit but you talk about going to dinner sometime or hanging out any time earlier than 11pm and he's shaking in his boots. He has no desire to take you out on a proper date. No desire to have any kind of ties that bind.

Now, gentlemen, if you're the last guy, let me tell you something. Not every girls has a white dress picked out or has a date that she has to be married by. She isn't going to meet you and automatically have plans to have your children. It's just...well, it's nice to meet someone who isn't completely shallow, with whom you can have an intelligent conversation with, who can make you laugh without the dirty nuances, who actually has goals and a job.

So, after meeting all of these men at one point or another in the past year, I'm a little over it. It's starting to take a toll on my self assuredness. I cook, I clean, I am educated, I like to have fun, I have goals and hell, I'm going to say it, I'm a hot tamale. Boys, open your eyes and take me on a damn date. I swear I won't demand you give up your entire life for me.

I won't even demand a 2 carat ring from you. It only has to be 1.5 carats.

Oh come on. I kid! I kid!

My Wishlist

So, about 2 months ago I was laid off. I haven't really written about it because quite frankly, it's a little too depressing. 4 years of my life, of pure hard work, of way too many hours just down the drain. I know that when one door closes another one opens (which was actually my fortune in my cookie last night- coincidence, I think not) but it still hurts to have such a major change made for you. I think I was in shock for at least a month.

Anyway, since I've been laid off I am, not surprisingly, a bit broke. Not that they paid me nearly enough to start with but I'm still feeling the crunch. I've found that online "wish" shopping helps. It's shopping without actually going into debt and for that fact alone it's pretty fabulous.

So here are my top items I want once I do have a little more (or a lot more) of a bankroll:
At Least 10 pairs of Super Hot Pumps in Every Color I Can Find/ At Least 7 Business Appropriate Outfits/ Cashmere Sweaters in Every Color/ A Good Raiding of Victoria's Secret for Lacy Bras and Underwear in Every Color/ Drawer Full of Pajamas/ A Big Gorgeous Coach Purse/ Upholstered Headboard/ Silk Drapes (So that I can replace these damn vertical blinds)/ Persian Rug/ Manicure & Pedicure Every Week/ Hair 'Did' Every Couple of Weeks/ Flat Screen T.V./ Lots More Pillows For My Bed/ And Last But Most Definitely Not Least...Lexus IS.

Ah...it's been said that diamonds are a girl's best friend but I'm here to tell you that's simply not true. It's too narrow of a statement. You want to know what a girl's best friend is? Shopping. Pure and simple.

But of course, diamonds always do help...

How I Love Thee

Michael Kors...oh how I love thee.

You're welcome for the free props. Send me free clothes now. Thanks. You're the best.

I Wonder...

How can I lose so much hair on a daily basis and not be bald? Seriously. It's a little ridiculous.