Saturday, May 8, 2010
Honey, Please
If I ever call you "honey" it's not because I think you're just a dear. It probably means I think you're stupid.
I caught myself today yelling at someone driving and going, "Honey, it's a green light. For the love of God please stop breaking. Oh great. That's just great. Now that you figured out that green means "go" it's yellow. Great. No, don't worry. I'll just chill at the red light. I'll catch up with you at the next green light, I'm sure. Moron." And sure enough, I did. And yet another "HONEY! Please!".
I never really realized I said that. Then I thought about it and it's not only my driving rant but also my oh-no-you-are-so-not-getting-my-number starter. "Oh, honey, I don't think so" or "Honey, it's not happening".
It's the Southern in me. It aids my ability to charm the pants off of someone while telling them either a.) they should be wearing a rubber helmet because they are so special or b.) or that while I know I can charm the pants off of them I have no interest in seeing them without their pants or any other article of clothing and that we should just leave it at that.
Of course, it seems people only hear the "honey" part. Guess I'm gonna have use a new line. Bitch, please? Yes?
I caught myself today yelling at someone driving and going, "Honey, it's a green light. For the love of God please stop breaking. Oh great. That's just great. Now that you figured out that green means "go" it's yellow. Great. No, don't worry. I'll just chill at the red light. I'll catch up with you at the next green light, I'm sure. Moron." And sure enough, I did. And yet another "HONEY! Please!".
I never really realized I said that. Then I thought about it and it's not only my driving rant but also my oh-no-you-are-so-not-getting-my-number starter. "Oh, honey, I don't think so" or "Honey, it's not happening".
It's the Southern in me. It aids my ability to charm the pants off of someone while telling them either a.) they should be wearing a rubber helmet because they are so special or b.) or that while I know I can charm the pants off of them I have no interest in seeing them without their pants or any other article of clothing and that we should just leave it at that.
Of course, it seems people only hear the "honey" part. Guess I'm gonna have use a new line. Bitch, please? Yes?
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Random? I Got Your Random...
A couple of things....
a.) Dear Jealous Girlfriend, I don't want your man. It just so happens that we were friends before you even knew him. Or, I'm not even friends with him and have no desire to be. Either way...chill the eff out.
b.) I really need to stop smiling at people. Pretty sure that only attracts weirdos.
c.) Increasingly aware of how I might drive a man crazy if I lived with him. I lose a ridiculous amount of hair everyday and a large amount of that seems to end up in the sink. I tend to leave my shoes all over the house. Curling iron, blow dryer, make-up and all kinds of girly stuff is all over the bathroom. I may or may not use all the hot water. And I'm sure there are many more things that don't even cross my mind that would make a man want to pull his own hair out. Sorry, Man-That-I-Live-With-In-Distant-Future.
d.) Got it bad and I'm pretty sure that ain't good.
e.) This town is seriously weirding me out right now. Too many elderly drivers out who I'm pretty sure are going to hit my pretty new car sometime soon. That and the fact that 12 and 50 year olds are looking me up and down like I'm a piece of meat. Can I please have someone a little closer to my age range jeering at me? Thanks. Weird.ness.
So, uh, yeah. I think that's about it. Glad we could have this conversation.
a.) Dear Jealous Girlfriend, I don't want your man. It just so happens that we were friends before you even knew him. Or, I'm not even friends with him and have no desire to be. Either way...chill the eff out.
b.) I really need to stop smiling at people. Pretty sure that only attracts weirdos.
c.) Increasingly aware of how I might drive a man crazy if I lived with him. I lose a ridiculous amount of hair everyday and a large amount of that seems to end up in the sink. I tend to leave my shoes all over the house. Curling iron, blow dryer, make-up and all kinds of girly stuff is all over the bathroom. I may or may not use all the hot water. And I'm sure there are many more things that don't even cross my mind that would make a man want to pull his own hair out. Sorry, Man-That-I-Live-With-In-Distant-Future.
d.) Got it bad and I'm pretty sure that ain't good.
e.) This town is seriously weirding me out right now. Too many elderly drivers out who I'm pretty sure are going to hit my pretty new car sometime soon. That and the fact that 12 and 50 year olds are looking me up and down like I'm a piece of meat. Can I please have someone a little closer to my age range jeering at me? Thanks. Weird.ness.
So, uh, yeah. I think that's about it. Glad we could have this conversation.
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