Peace

Over the past couple of days I've had this strange feeling. It's been as if a puzzle piece has finally slipped into it's correct spot. I have peace.

I thought that I felt at peace before this. Thought that I had come to terms with what has changed in this past year and that I had moved on. I see now that I hadn't. I'm not quite sure what has changed now but...maybe you run your stubborn head up against a wall for so long and then the wall breaks.

A few things that I feel peaceful about:

1. My Ex. I held on for a long time even after we started talking again. Thinking, hoping, that someday he'd figure it out. Well, he's not going to. I've said that before but I truly believe it now and the false hopes are diminished. I also know that I deserve a whole hell of a lot more than he either can or is able to give. And that's not going to change.

2. My mother. My mom and I hadn't seen each other in nearly 3 months. We just started talking again after I wrote a heartfelt letter explaining why I took so much space. Needless to say, I was not met with the reaction/consideration that a daughter should receive from a parent and I was tired. Wore out. I took a break. But...we're talking again and she's making efforts towards a mother/daughter relationship. Which is huge. Which is giving me a great amount of peace. I love my mom. We've never had a normal mother/daughter relationship and it's something that I've always longed for.

3. The rest of my family. My dad and my brother are creatures of habit. They are who they are. I've always, since I was little, have tried to change them. Tried to make them see things the way that I do. I feel as if I've finally learned a great truth... they aren't going to change. Whether their actions are unhealthy or not, they are grown men. They know full well what they are doing and I can't do anything about that. I also can't spend my life worrying for them. Actions have consequences and I'll have to deal with the emotional ramifications of that at some point but, for now, I will love them and enjoy them for who they are. Flaws and all.

4. The rest of my life. My career, my love life (or lack there of) and my finances may not be where I want them to be but I know that this point in my life is crucial to the success of the rest of my life. I need this time alone. This time to truly understand me. I have time to work the rest of the details out. And the most beautiful thing is...I know that I am going be golden. I know that I won't accept less from myself for myself. So what's the point in worrying?

If you could take a look at the me of today and compare her to the me of a year ago you wouldn't even know we were one in the same. Thank God we are so malleable...even if in the process of change we feel as if it we might break.

"Consider it pure joy to face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" - James 1: 2-4