One Way Ticket To Venus

By now you all know that I'm a thinker. Too much of a thinker sometimes but a thinker nonetheless. So... I've been thinking. About men. About women. And about how we interact. Our needs, our wants and how sometimes they seem to be in direct conflict with one another.

Let's start with the guys. Keep in mind that I am a woman and will self-admittedly say that I don't really know what goes through your head. There is woman logic and there is man logic and all too often I find that they are in direct conflict with one another. But let me call it how I see it. Guys fall in love with a lovely little lady. They woo her. Buy her flowers, take her out, do all those special little things to ensure that she chooses him. It's a survival of the fittest thing, I'm sure. You primal animals, you. And then you win us over. We settle into "girlfriend" mode. We start doing our own primal things. Some of us turn into a mixture of Betty Crocker meets Martha Stewart. We fuss over you, make sure you're taking care of yourself and start the process of nesting.

Then something funny happens. The guy settles into his relationship mode. His humor that once had a sprinkle of sweetness is now only humor. Guy humor. Humor which we all know can be cutting sometimes. Flowers? Why? He sees her all the time now. And since he does see her all the time why would he text her with sweet nothings? It's not that he doesn't think of her during the day but its more about efficiency. He'll see her later. When does he have time to get flowers? Little "I saw this and thought of you" gifts? Again, why? Chances are he's spent a lot of money on his girl already at this point. His logic? "She knows I think of/love/care about her". All of those sweet idiosyncrasies before were, to use a metaphor that guys will relate to, like a fishing lure. He's got her, she knows she is his, knows he wants her (otherwise he'd throw her back) so what's the big deal?

Well, gentlemen, let me share the big deal. Here is some insight into how women deal. When we are being woo'ed there is a chance that at first we are hesitant about you. We need a little time to figure out your motives, whether you're a loser who masquerades as an upstanding guy, whether you're a self-centered asshole, whether you're playing a game just to get some, etc. But then something amazing happens when we decide that you are on the up-and-up. We give in. We give you our heart, our trust and our future. Yes of course there is a chance that you could break our heart like ones before but you seem different. I mean, look at you go with all of the thoughtfulness and attentiveness! We put you on a pedestal. You're "our" guy. The guy who we just know will do anything to make us happy.

Enter his "I've got her" stage. Now guys, don't get your panties in a bunch. I know you don't actually think those words. However, that is how we women see it. Slowly, the sweet nothings trickle down. The PDA that guys are famous for not enjoying yet engage & even initiate early in the relationship stops. Basically, the little things die. For reasons that I dare not broach here today, the lady love of yours begins to feel as if she isn't something special and precious to you anymore. She feels duped. And she starts to get bitter.

Now guys, it's easy to say, "She knows that's not true! Of course I still love her! Of course she's still special to me!". Take a moment to see it from our side, though. At one time, you did all of these things. Did them without having to be asked, without us reaching the point of "sweetness deficiency". When we meet that deficiency it's not pretty. When you give us reason to question why you're not acting like you once were, be ready for our overactive brains to blow it way out of proportion. You know we do it and we do, too. He doesn't say 'I love you' before going to sleep anymore? Must be cheating. He doesn't hold your hand anymore? Must want to break-up. Logical? Okay, maybe not. But we are grasping. We panic. We try to be big girls and figure it out ourselves because Lord knows you don't want to talk about it. You would likely just get exacerbated with us even asking! What, do we not have confidence? Problem is that our brains work differently. If we did any of those things you do, it would probably mean that we're done with you. You, well you're just comfortable.

Women's love language is about the little things. Touching (like hand holding, putting a hand on our leg, arm around our shoulder or simply touching our back as you walk by), kissing (do not use for just getting "some"! A kiss on the forehead or a quick peck for no real reason at all does wonders), flowers (yes, trite yet true), cards (you don't even have to write a sonnet in it! Pick a sweet one up and sign it with "I love you". Simple), sweet text messages saying how wonderful we are (we need encouragement, too!), etc. Basically, think of what you did in the early stages. We don't need grand displays but simple every day acts of love. Most importantly we need to feel wanted. Not just sexually. Of course we know you want us sexually. The kind of want that shows the significance of our presence in your life. Acknowledgement, affection and encouragement. Those are the cornerstones for making us happy.

And ladies, for us, I urge you to do the same. How did we act in the beginning? As long as you weren't completely hiding who you are then rely on that earlier version of your girlfriend self. He forgot to do that important thing you asked him to do? In the beginning we would have understood. Perhaps even realized that if he forgot that special something that perhaps he had a long/bad day and we, in turn, should be extra nice. He said something that was a little uncouth? Shake your head and move on. Remember that it used to be charming, in a weird way that you didn't understand. You didn't scold him or voice your disapproval. Let him be. Guys need acceptance and appreciation. Keep to that. Let the little things go. Remember all of the wonderful reasons why you fell in love in the first place.
Moral of this long ass post? It's a delicate balance between us two sexes. Don't dial it in. Don't get lazy. What your partner needs isn't necessarily what you need. Be diligent about giving what the other half needs. Men, be affectionate and loving. We are delicate flowers, not your drinking buddies (although sometimes we play double duty ;) Women, learn to let go, don't criticize.

Just be good to one another. Have his back and guys have your lady's in turn.